Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
