i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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