I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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