He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
