a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
