I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
