You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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