I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
