i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
