i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
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