Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
