I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
