you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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