Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
as a side note pls kill me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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