Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
