Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
