I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
