Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
