The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
