Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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