I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
