this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
