I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize