My Higher Power is John Stamos
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
