is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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