is your mom at the bar?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
