If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
