My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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