Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
