I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
