Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
