come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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