At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
These tits shall not be calmed
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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