I think my fart just growled at me.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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