I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
