I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
