And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
