i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
