24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Randomize
