You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
