so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
