We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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