My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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