How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
