i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
