thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
