a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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