Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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