Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
