i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
