Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
