You're so nebulous sometimes
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
