So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
