six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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