Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I want to fling myself into the sun
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
