I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
