he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
