I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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