He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
