also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
