I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
