Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
