Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
