Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
