Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
