I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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