Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I got inside last night via doggy door
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize