just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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