I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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